Consequently Christa

Adam's Rib

2011-10-24T19:08:00.000-05:00

The view from a ferry in just off the Seattle coast last August. Snapped with my iPod.

You'll have to help me understand:

You, who left her here in this weary
little body, blood and bones,
Betrayed, abused, sinful WOMAN
created from this godlike rib--
"I don't want to be free," she whispers,
"I have too much baggage for this journey--"
so much shit on these tiny shoulders,
these little legs and arms can't lift
her face to heaven for fear
of condemnation. "Sometimes
I wish never knew You," she whispers,
ashamed, watering the linoleum
with salty tears. YOU blessed her
with intelligence and a thirst for Solomonic
wisdom, but this little brain can't comprehend

the Love You proved on that bloody wood,
pouring down in gallon bucketfuls
before I was born and always.
God, this Love is something.

Image and poem © 2011 Christa Hillmer. Please contact me (chillmer06@hotmail.com) to use my work.

Slouching Towards Samaria

2011-07-23T13:22:00.009-05:00

When Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, as recorded in John 4:1-41, he was speaking to someone who was an outcast. She'd been loved...or used...by six different men. Six! Do you think she wanted to go from man to man, searching for...love? acceptance?

What are you searching for?

In today's culture, this woman is not such an outcast. Her life is the norm! So many women and men go from relationship to relationship, searching for something and not finding it...What are you searching for?

If you're searching, you already know there's something missing...

So, what are you waiting for? Jesus said: "'If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.'" (John 4:10, emphasis added)

Read the rest of this woman's story here.

I wrote another post almost a year ago about a very similar topic: Consequently Christa: Psalm 27:4

Image: Sieger Koder via Pilgrim's Progress blog

Isaiah 22

2011-04-10T21:40:00.010-05:00

"I will place on his shoulder the key to the house of David; what he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I will drive him like a peg into a firm place; he will become a seatof honor for the house of his father. All the glory of his family will hang on him: its offspring and offshoots—all its lesser vessels, from the bowls to all the jars." ~ Isaiah 22:22-24

This is something deep. I'm digesting it. What implications does this have for today?

Image by Myron Malone via TexasEscapes.com.

Daily Image: Eeyore's Brothers

2011-04-06T09:44:00.005-05:00

This just made my day! :)
Image via Rasmus Auctioneers.

Lentventure: Careless Life

2011-03-31T14:00:00.002-05:00

If I were to rename this week's study, it would be "Loneliness." Loneliness is something I relate to...it's something I feel on a regular basis. In the story, the little girl is ostracized by her friends because of her mother's HIV/AIDS, causing the child to feel uncared for and lonely. It is the people in the community around her who are careless, not the girl. They are careless of her need for companionship. I wonder if all the careless people in the story knew they were being careless. Many probably did...

Is there anyone in my life or my community with needs that I am careless of?

What about you? Who can you reach out to this week?

"My commandment is this: Love each other as I have loved you." ~John 15:12

Images via USMM.org and Threecee.

Lentventure: Helpless Recap

2011-03-30T13:57:00.000-05:00

It snowed here last week. It wasn't that cold--30s--and it was the prettiest snow ever, the kind you catch on your tongue and snap photos of on way to work!

Apparently I'm a terrible blogger. I knew posting daily during lent would be tough since I normally post no more than once per week. Call me a failure if you want, but while I wasn't blogging I spent most of Helpless week feeling rather helpless. With the semester ending soon, I've been struggling with midterms, research papers and all sorts of projects coming due. I was seriously stressed out, which is probably evident in a few of my recent non-lent posts. I mentally "shut down" because l felt so overwhelmed with my obligations--school, work or life in general. I found myself looking up Bible verses with specific phrases that I knew would comfort me and give me the determination and inspiration I needed to continue.

I found myself wondering how to pray about my homework...and the Lord's Prayer was surprisingly comforting. I don't think I've ever "gotten" these verses before.

"Our Father in heaven, / may your name be kept holy. / May your Kingdom come soon. / May your will be done on earth, / as it is in heaven. / Give us today the food we need, / and forgive us our sins, / as we have forgiven those who sin against us. / And don’t let us yield to temptation, / but rescue us from the evil one." ~Matthew 6:9-13

I also drank a lot of coffee. Mmmmm...coffee. I really liked the idea of giving up driving to simulate helplessness. Depending on public transportation would actually be really tough here in Omaha because our busing system not very good. I'm not able to do this now because my work and school schedules depend on me being able to get across the city in less than 45 minutes, but this is something I would like to do in the summer perhaps.

How did you experience helplessness last week?

Lookout for a Careless post before the end of this week!

Photo: mine

Lent brings challenges

2011-03-21T12:27:00.009-05:00

Dear readers, I'm sorry I've been so neglectful of you these last few days. I've been working night and day (quite literally) to finish up this research paper. I'm so stressed out about the whole thing and so embarrassed that I'm still not finished--it was due last Friday--and just feeling all together discouraged, wishing I'd chosen another topic...I guess you could say I feel a little helpless.

If you think of me, maybe you could pray this passage from Psalms on my behalf:

"Lord, sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed. Sustain me, and I will be rescued; then I will meditate continually on your decrees." ~Psalms 119:116-117

Thanks, and have a lovely, beautiful second day of spring!

Images via Madelinetosh and Seems Artless.

Judge me

2011-03-18T22:17:00.007-05:00

Ever have a day when you can't shake those feelings of exhaustion, discouragement, anger, loneliness, sadness, frustration, {fill in the blank}? Those days are the worst. Today I tried to stuff my discouragement/frustration/loneliness with food/entertainment/hateful thoughts...it didn't work.

Image via Scott Roberts.

Lentventure: Don't Worry, Be Joyful

2011-03-15T09:15:00.011-05:00

Today the burden of midterms finally settled on my shoulders. So, I spent most of the day feeling pretty discouraged. After my last class, I sat down and wrote out a list of the projects I have due this week and all the steps I need to take to complete those projects. I assigned a day (Tuesday through Friday) to each step. When I had finally finished writing everything out--this took about 30 minutes--I realized that I can totally get all this stuff done, providing I follow the list and don't slack off at all. I literally felt my mind clear and relax a little. Praise God for to-do lists!

Today's Lentventure:

What worries do you have about your current life circumstances? This week (and the next three weeks) is midterms, so I've got a lot on my plate. Plus, I'm working three part-time jobs.

How has God provided in the past? How is he currently meeting your needs? In the past, I've completed my work on time, often when I've put it off until the last minute. I guess God (and my professors) have been pretty merciful so far. Now that I have a to-do list, I feel less overwhelmed and more able to complete the tasks before me. I will continue to pray for the clarity of mind I need to complete my assignments. I just have to keep reminding myself that my grades and classes are less important than my relationship with God. Hmmm...maybe I should read my Bible before going back to my studying. :)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4:6 -7

"Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~ Matthew 6:31, 33 (View the rest of this passage here. It's really good!)

View this week's study by Manie Sodoma, on behalf of World Vision ACT:S Lent 2011!
Go to Lent 2011 to sign up for study on the World Vision ACT:S website. You can choose whether you want to receive daily or weekly e-mail reminders about topics and such. Happy Lent-ing!

[Photo complements of PWOND.com and NaitoOfNarnia.]

Lentventure: Server Down, Diavolo

2011-03-14T20:41:00.010-05:00

My Internet connection took a sick day. Two actually. (Thanks to my readers for your patience and kind regards!) So I spent 12 hours over Saturday and Sunday at a Diavolo choreography workshop. Diavolo is a dance company based in Los Angeles, California that specializes in very athletic, acrobatic movement performed on pieces of architecture. (Think Cirque du Soleil meets a merry go 'round.)

My goals for the workshop were to be challenged physically and be vulnerable emotionally. God totally answered my prayers. The workshop was challenging, but not so challenging that I felt out of place--such an answer to prayer! (I have only been dancing for a few years, so my level of technique is not as high as most dancers in my age bracket.) I was also able to build closer relationships with some other Omaha dancers! I expected to be one of the more inexperienced dancers at the workshop, as I am accustomed to being at rehearsals with The Moving Company. But I wasn't, enabling me to encourage others without feeling totally incompetent. In fact, the athletic, pedestrian movement really felt natural in my body! Where in Omaha can I take hip-hop and/or gymnastic classes?

I finally found a moment between classes today to check my missed e-mails and Facebook messages and of course catch up on Lent. I will pick up where I left off, in a very abbreviated fashion.

Lentventure: this week's theme is worthlessness:

Choose a place to record your Lentventure: done :)
Make a list of anything that might create tension during Lent: the demands of my professional obligations, including school and work responsibilities
Choose something physical to give up this week: I will give up watching television, including the online kind.
Define the word worth: Worth means "having value," so I guess feeling worthless might mean a person has no value or purpose; hypothetically, I might be a waste of time or education or employment. I might be unlovable or even just broke.

Have you ever felt worthless? I have. I think I'll write about it tomorrow.

"Listen to me, you islands; / hear this, you distant nations: / Before I was born the LORD called me; / from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name." ~ Isaiah 49:1 (Check out the rest of the passage here. It's really good!)

View this week's study by Manie Sodoma, on behalf of World Vision ACT:S Lent 2011!
Go to Lent 2011 to sign up for study on the World Vision ACT:S website. You can choose whether you want to receive daily or weekly e-mail reminders about topics and such. Happy Lent-ing!

[Diavolo photo from CultureVulture.net, who I'm guessing stole it from somewhere else...]

Lentventure: Let's Make Some Goals

2011-03-11T10:00:00.004-06:00

I decided to blog about my growth during Lent so I'd actually do the daily assignments. It's a good thing I did because midterms are killing me.

Today's assignment:
Spend about 10 minutes thinking and praying about your goals for Lent. How do you hope to grow? What do you hope to learn?

My goals:

To learn where I am falling short of God's plan for my life in the area of social justice
That God will break my heart for the person or people he wants me to reach out to

Prayer request: I need to be bold this weekend. Pray that I will filled with boldness and gentleness.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

View this week's study by Jonathon Lo of World Vision ACT:S Lent 2011!
Go to Lent 2011 on the World Vision ACT:S website. You can choose whether you want to receive daily or weekly e-mail reminders about topics and such. Happy Lent-ing!

[Photo complements of Wholly Roamin Catholic.]

Lentventure: Day of Luxury

2011-03-10T20:31:00.008-06:00

The one time I ever felt worried about where my money was coming from, I found a $20 bill on the pavement. I knew it was from God. Yeah, I'm blessed for sure.

Today's assignment is to create a detailed list of about 20 items explaining all the ways God has blessed me. Not sure where to begin? Has God blessed you with money, faith, health/disease, freedom, education?

Where is God calling you to experience discomfort? What luxuries are you blessed with?

All I know is that I am so deeply in need of grace...
"When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy." ~Titus 3:4-5

Lentventure: Ash Wednesday

2011-03-09T20:23:00.007-06:00

I saw a lot of people with gray smudges on their foreheads while walking across campus today. I've never gone to a church that observed Ash Wednesday or practiced Lent, but I understand that Lent is traditionally considered a time of repentance.

Things I need to confess:

I've struggled a lot with idleness lately. Sometimes after a long day of work and classes, I just come home and watch TV. I don't even like watching TV.
I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit about a month ago start something at my church, but I haven't yet...because well, I'm scared and I'm really, really busy with work and school. I literally do not know when I would fit it in. I told my mom. She said I better do it. (Aren't moms the wisest sometimes?!)

"May God bless you with discomfort, discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen." ~ excerpt from a Franciscan blessing

I'm thinking about giving up TV for Lent...

Click here to view today's study from World Vision act:s Lent 2011!

[Photo, video, and quote complements of World Vision act:s Lent 2011.]

Lentventure: The Rules

2011-03-09T15:00:00.010-06:00

The first time I gave up something for Lent was two years ago. I gave up coffee. It was awful...plus I sort of cheated by consuming too many energy drinks.

This year, I'm piggybacking on World Vision's Lent 2011 study. Each week for the next 6.5 weeks, I will spend 10 minutes a day thinking about a topic related to world economic instability, disease, religious persecution and lack of education among impoverished nations.

My Lentventure Plan:

Beginning today, I will prepare myself by spending 10 minutes in prayer, reflecting on the luxuries I am so blessed with. I will begin to pray about which luxury I should give up during Lent. Click here to view the pdf for March 9-12.
Next week, I will explore worthlessness by reading a story about microfinance. I will try going without something physical.
During the second full week of Lent, I will explore feelings of helplessness. I will read a story people malaria. I will make myself vulnerable.
In week 3, I will read a story about those ostracized because of HIV and AIDS. I will experience carelessness.
Throughout week 4, I will explore godlessness by limiting my spiritual resources. I will read a story about religious persecution.
During week 5, I will experience speechlessness by giving up control of my life for a time. I will read a story about sex trafficking and reflect on those who have no ownership over their lives.
Finally in week 6, I will experience hopelessness. I will read a story about education.

To sign up for the study on the World Vision website, click here. You can choose whether you want to receive daily or weekly e-mail reminders about topics and such. Happy Lent-ing!

[Video borrowed from World Vision act:s Lent 2011. Some content paraphrased as well.]

I Love My Readers

2011-02-09T21:49:00.006-06:00

I really do. I love you
not only because you are visiting
and caring about my humble thoughts--
not only because you are telling friends--
not only because my heart skips a beat
when I log in to see page views
from readers all over the world.

It makes me want to dress up
and go out for a fancy dinner.

[Photo: Love Laugh Shop]

Lessons I learned from Ugly Betty

2011-01-26T15:48:00.008-06:00

I am a perfectionist to the 10th degree. But my goal should not be perfection. Of course, that doesn't mean I should spend all day on the couch watching reruns of "Ugly Betty," tempting as it is...

I think Ugly Betty is a perfectionist, too. I've read several books about perfectionism, and it seems that the problem with perfectionists is that whatever we do is never good enough. Many people, myself and (I think) Betty included, become frustrated with themselves. The brain's synapses (think: memory sensors) "fire" every time we do or learn something that relates to a topic we already know. When we let a moment self-doubt confuse our thoughts, past moments of self-doubt start "firing" in our heads, too...until all we hear is "YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" over and over. Ugh...I'll pass.

I need to prepare for perfection. This means I need to continue waking up early for work and studying for exams. I still need to prepare for that audition next month, and if I don't run on the treadmill at least 4 days a week, 30 minutes each day, I will simply gain back all that weight I worked so hard to lose!

You're getting this, right?

Betty and I (and you!) do not need to be the best at anything (even if we are the best...) because, frankly, there will always be someone better than you and me. People are human, and failure is something everyone faces. So, try your absolute hardest, knowing you can feel great about yourself because you worked really, really hard.

For me, this means waking up 15 minutes earlier so I can stop at Bruegger's for my bottomless cup of coffee and a 99-cent whole wheat bagel. Frankly, If I don't give myself an incentive, I'll likely be late for work. (Currently, I'm also trying wake up even earlier, so I can do my daily devotions while sipping my Bruegger's coffee.)

"All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step...I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified." (1 Corinthians 9:25-27)

How hard did you work today? Did you try your absolute hardest? Did you challenge yourself and others?If not, consider writing down a couple of things you can do today to help you combat one of your lazy habits.

If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading! Why not leave a comment? I love to hear your thoughts, dear reader!

Fyi, I love, love, love this post by Christie from "Love's Notes." It totally relates to today's topic...so check it out: My name is Christie and I am a (Recovering) Perfectionist!

[Photo: TheArtOfObama.com]

Current Idol: Lyndsay Taylor

2011-01-25T01:33:00.008-06:00

Find more artists like Lyndsay Taylor at Myspace Music

"When our faith is hidden deep in culture's rarely spoken creed, will there be mercy? For the sake of keeping peace, let religion tie our hands until we have no offering left to bring. It's become the norm to dance with hesitating feet, to sing with quiet tongues, to let tradition bind us to our seats...When just a flame is fine, you are so unglorified...Lord find us burning!" (mildly paraphrased)

I love this album, and I love this song. Lyndsay Taylor has one beautiful voice! I recently discovered her on Pandora, and I have to say that I'm sad her music can't be purchased on iTunes or Amazon.

UPDATE!!!
Buy the song and/or album directly from Lyndsay by clicking HERE.

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-16T00:33:00.008-06:00

I realize that most of you have already made and broken your New Year's resolutions by now. Personally, I like to feel out the new year for a couple of weeks before committing to anything. This way, I actually stand a chance of keeping my resolutions. ;)

1. Practice humility. This means that God will probably put me in situations that are embarrassing, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. (Btw, for you linguists out there, isn't it interesting that the words "humility," which has a good connotation, and the word "humiliating," which has a bad connotation, are so similar in their spelling? Yikes...what am I getting myself into?) Am I ready to be humiliated in front of people at school? At work? At home? At church? I don't like the idea in the least, but I need to do this to become a better person, and more importantly, to become more godly.

2. I will stop eating sugary foods and drinking caffeine, as of today. I've felt convicted to do a partial fast like this for a while now. I'm doing it, both, for the sake of my health and because I'm afraid that I sometimes use sugary foods (cookies, for instance) and caffeinated beverages (coffee, lattes, etc.) to satisfy holes in my heart that can't be filled with food. I hope that as I combat my cravings for sugar and caffeine, God will teach me to be satisfied with less.

3. After I learn to be humble, I need to practice being vulnerable. I am not open enough with people. The fear of rejection cripples and crushes me in practically every friendship I've ever had. This year, I want to embrace that fear and risk rejection. Rejection hurts, sure, but even Jesus experienced rejection. I need to be so in tune with the Holy Spirit that I cannot help but obey his gentle guiding!

4. I need to come to a place where I can forgive those who have hurt me. I feel that once I achieve some amount of humility and vulnerability, I will be able to forgive.

5. I want to begin to truly love those around me. As I become more vulnerable, I will be able to risk rejection and reach out people who are hurting, like I'm hurting. When I've forgiven those who have hurt me, I will be able to love them more fully too.

What are your New's Years resolutions? Check out this New Year's Resolution Generator if you still need ideas.

[Photos: Technabob.com, Tuturunner.blogspot.com, & Glittermagic.wordpress.com. Check out these blogs for even more New Year's Resolutions.]

Sometimes I wish my brain had an "off" button

2011-01-14T19:26:00.019-06:00

Shame.
[Something her heart knows well
Ringing deep within her soul
Ringing out in the silent moments.
You know, the moments
When no one's around
To hear her weep in the shower
In her car
In her bedroom
Online
On a lonely bus, earbuds in, behind a book she's clearly, obviously not reading.
These are the times she feels uncertain.
You know the feeling
Filling her with self-loathing
Like choking
You are such a disappointment--
Hey, at least I try.

If I'm going to Heaven anyway,
Shoot me now.
I double-dog dare you]
Bang.

Some things God's teaching me:
I'm so prideful. Sometimes I can't even see the evidence of my pride.
I'm so shy, and even when I recognize my hurt in the eyes of other people, I do nothing at all. I do not reach out to them. I need boldness.
I'm so broken, so filled with shame that I have not, in fact, laid my sins at the foot of the Cross. Are my sins too great for Christ to handle?
Sometimes I'd rather not live...I wonder if that feeling ever crept up on Jesus while he lived on Earth. (He was so far from home.) No, I don't think it did. He loved us way too much.

[Photo: Emilytheperson.com]

My new favorite song:

"Own Me," by Ginny Owens

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me.

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed.

Christmas comes late in January

2011-01-05T21:24:00.011-06:00

For Christmas this year, my family decided to pool our money and donated it to World Vision.

[There was some really beautiful frost in my grandmother's rural Nebraska town the morning after Christmas. We never had snow.]

However, we still wanted to exchange something, so we made and/or wrote each other Christmas cards. It was epic. People cried. I cried. The cards were beautiful and honest. And, to be honest, it was probably the most creative, most sincere Christmas I've ever had.

[This photo does not do justice to how genuinely lovely the tree looked decked out in the cards we wrote to each other. The gifts you see are from my grandmother.]

If you aren't sick of Christmas yet, check out this Digital Christmas Story to see how Christmas might have been different if Mary and Joseph had Twitter and Facebook. Thanks to Aunt Becky for sending me the link!

Hymn #1

2010-12-28T16:00:00.009-06:00

I wonder if deep down I feel as though I don't deserve to be loved.
It's like I don't want to be loved.
It's like I can't accept love.
It's like, I don't know, weird.

Teach me to forgive those who have hurt me
teach me to trust,
teach me to be vulnerable with people.
Teach me to be gentle; make me a model of true femininity.
Teach me to seek you with my whole heart (Jeremiah 29:13-14).

God, I so desperately want to be found by you.
I want to be known you,
to dwell in your house forever (Psalm 27:4).
Lead me to sill waters (Psalm 23:2).
Restore my soul.
Restore my heart to yourself.
Give me humility I need
to forgive those who have hurt me--
every man, every friend, every family member.

Eagerly I seek you.

On my way to living passionately...

2010-12-15T17:52:00.005-06:00

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post, and yes, I know I said I'd post this second installment sooner, but hey, I've been busier than you can imagine with finals, so don't judge me!

Anyway, for all you Bloggerland people out there in cyberspace, I have chosen! (To be honest, I had pretty much already chosen when I wrote my last post, but--what can I say--I'm a big fan of suspense!) I made appointments with people in the departments of education, continuing studies, and journalism, and I am resolved that I will switch my degree to journalism, with an emphasis in public relations, and still graduate next fall as planned. I only need two more semesters of school--including this spring!--and an internship. I'm really excited because I do love writing--writing is my therapy, it's how I learn, it's how I vent--and I would totally love to work for a non-profit (Christian?) organization, so when I graduate, that's what I'll try to find. And the great thing is that I'm not married or tied down by any means, so I'm willing go anywhere God asks me to go! *Deep breath* :D

Btw, many thanks to my friend Jami from Christian Fiction Reviews for her sage advice in the comments section of the previous post! She really helped me figure some things out! Thanks, Jami!

On a second note, I have been working religiously all afternoon and evening on my Shakespeare final essay, and I swear, I feel like I'm on drugs...or caffeine. But I haven't touched either. Is this normal? (I'm taking a break from homework as I write this to eat dinner...hopefully that will help.)

How to Live Passionately

2010-12-04T18:21:00.011-06:00

What are you passionate about? Take a minute. Think about it. We'll come back to this question at the end of the post.

This week, one of my education professors sat me down and asked, "Do you like teaching?"

It felt like how I imagine being punched in the stomach feels, only the person apologizes afterward. She might as well have asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" This question confused and haunted me when I was 5, and my resolve has not improved since. But back then, my choice was between a ballerina or Britney Spears.

"I don't know," I answered, feeling sort of silly. I'm 23 years old. Shouldn't I know this by now?

What I said next spilled out of me like vomit. I explained that this is already my fifth major, and I have way more credits than I need to graduate, and to be honest, when I switched majors I didn't know if I wanted to be a teacher, but at the time I was working at a preschool, and I liked that job. After a couple of semesters, though, I knew I wasn't enjoying the elementary education program, so I switched to secondary. I probably would have switched majors again since then, but I have to graduate sometime, and anyway, I'm so far along in my program that switching now seems like a bad idea. To be honest, I'm sick of school. I'm tired of jumping through intellectual hoops to impress my professors and classmates, and I want to make enough money to move out of my parents' house. Mostly, I just really want to graduate.

My eyes filled with frustrated tears, and my professor scooted the box of tissues on her desk in my direction.

"Thanks," I said, before blowing my nose.

Apparently, I was not the first person in our senior-level class to have this unsettling conversation with her. However, I think my problem is that I'm just really indecisive.

"I know you can be a wonderful teacher if you want to be," she said. "But I don't want you to move forward with a career that will make you dread Monday morning."

It turns out there are quite degree options available to me: I could graduate as planned but request to do it without a teaching certificate. Or, I could switch to the division of continuing studies and graduate immediately with degree in general studies. (I'm not really a fan of this option...it seems cheap somehow.) Or, I could switch to the college of communication to major in journalism or public relations and probably still graduate as scheduled. Or, I could move to the college of arts and sciences to major in English language studies or creative non-fiction writing. (This option would probably take an extra semester or two, however.)

What are you passionate about? How do you display that passion in your daily life? I would love to hear your ideas (shameless comment request)!

This is part one of a two- (or possibly three-) part series. Check back for the second installment next week.

On Loneliness

2010-11-24T15:04:00.001-06:00

This poem, written by my sister, rings so true in my heart! I hope it encourages you as it did me to know that you are not alone in your depression/struggles.

"On feeling alone," by Bethany Hillmer

Loneliness...

A word that rings true deep within my heart.
Today I realized that I don't belong anymore
with people who have been my friends
since I was an innocent little freshman.
It's an awful thing.
Realizing that you don't belong
in a place you once called your home.
It hurts.
A lot.

But then I remember...
that I have never felt I belonged anywhere
even among my Best Friends
I have always felt like an outcast.
It is such a heavy burden to carry
this loneliness.
It burns away at my soul
causing an eclipse of the sun
stealing my sunshine.

But why do I feel this way?
Is it because I'm too strange?
Too weird?
Too depressed?
Too happy?
Too ugly?
Too pretty?
Too childlike?
Too serious?
Too much of a burden too everyone around me?
Am I just too much to be loved?

I don't know...
but I do know I am not the only one asking these questions.
This loneliness resonates deeply within the soul
of every human being...
male or female...
young or old...

Everyone feels SO ALONE.

We cover it up, hide it, deny it
but it is true for all of us.
What if we reached out to each other
in this loneliness?
What if together we dealt a fatal blow to this disease
by simply being there for each other?

But it will never happen
Loneliness has crippled us with
fear and self doubt
It has blinded us
otherwise we would realize that we are not alone.
We would see that everyone is in the same state of despair.
But we do not see
we wallow in fear
in self pity
And so...

We are all doomed to remain forever.
Completely Alone.

Avoidant behavior

2010-10-25T20:11:00.001-05:00

I feel embarrassed and ashamed for talking
Under my breath, for verbalizing my frustration, humiliation,
for being heard, and worse, found out.
How can I be prideful and yet so delicate?
Why do I weep at this verbal apprehension?
I'm not in any real danger.
Disobedience is no big deal;
It is my own sinful nature that terrifies me.
Caught off guard, I could saying anything.
For fear of judgment, I'm afraid to speak, though I speak my mind.
The hearer cannot hate me if she does not know me...
How sad is this human condition!
Agreeable and angry, but teach me what love is:
How do I love people who don't love me, who even hurt me to the very core?
How do I love people I don't know well?
Even worse, I am embarrassed of my faults, so
If you ask me about these heaving lungs and undried eyes, I will lie.
I want to be real, to be loving and real, to bless others with my tongue.
God, teach me how to be honest, but still love and honor those around me, and
Help me forgo this stoic personality.

READ no evil, WRITE no evil, BE no evil

2010-10-11T15:57:00.001-05:00

I speak to become a better reader,
I read to become a better writer, and
I write to become a better person.

Response to "Silence is Deadly," by P4CM poet Ezekiel

2010-10-09T16:41:00.008-05:00

If HOLDING A GRUDGE IS THE SAME AS HOLDING A GUN,
Leave me out of it.
Leave me out of the wireless conversations, html translations,
Words written in the sky, in ink or text.
This interface has been my playing field. So
Leave me out of the cliques and the crowds and the lonely nights,
Waiting for a call, an apology even, when
I am the one who should be apologizing.
Leave me out of the drama. (Hallelujah!)
Leave me out of Bible studies where no one studies
THE BIBLE.
Leave me out of churches with pastors who blame the Paris Hiltons of this world
For the swastikas pinned to their own pressed shirt sleeves.
I would sooner be called a sinner.
I would sooner be homeless than comfortable, and
I would sooner be beaten and bruised with words
Than be called a hypocrite by my Lord. So
Someone lend me a mirror.
I first must take this plank from my eye.

iEtsy

2010-10-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

Oh, Etsy! How I love to search your listings for inspirations, crafty things to buy or make. Mostly, I love how you simultaneously inspire me and blatantly show me how absolutely un-crafty I can be! Etsy, our relationship is very love-hate, but in the end, I still read you every Tuesday.

My "to craft" list, for your laughable viewing pleasure:

How-Tuesday: Organizational Fabruckets

How-Tuesday: Circle-Spiral Applique

How-Tuesday: Rose Petal Tee

:(

2010-09-30T10:06:00.007-05:00

Some days I just feel sad...but God is still good.

Image via Aihibed Magaña

Psalm 27:4

2010-09-20T00:28:00.004-05:00

I find that I am searching for something, but all I seem to encounter is a myriad of false loves, false idols, false gods. Sometimes, I don't even realize what I've done until I've already done it.

Jesus saved me, but if I don't anyways feel his love, has it left me? No. His arms perpetually surround me, even when I feel alone. What places, people, and things can truly satisfy my wish for love? Things like healthy relationships, accountability, Christian ministries I'm involved in, personal and corporate prayer, my relationship with God, working at things I am passionate about, investing in people who need my time/resources/skills, etc. I need to devote myself to things that will last, things that make me excited to be alive.

This post was inspired by a blog post on XXXchurch.com.

Image via Naioth.com.

Remember: Beauty

2010-08-23T22:02:00.005-05:00

Today was the first day of classes. This should have been happily uneventful, but as usual I found a way to stress myself out.

It's because I need a job. Okay, maybe I don't need a job. I'm not homeless. I am low on cash. I already feel depressed because I don't have money to go shopping. I know it's terrible, but spending money really raises my sense of self-worth; it makes me feel better.

Anyway, today on the shuttle bus, I ran into someone who said that he worked at his dad's business and could get me a job answering phones--~~not~~ telemarketing, though--that pays well, has flexible hours, and seemingly doesn't require a whole lot of actual work.

The problem with getting any job is that I don't have time to work:

This semester I'm taking 18 credit hours, tutoring at two different high schools, teaching drama part-time at an elementary school, and hoping to continue writing for the student newspaper. I'm busy. This is also why I stressed myself out.

Like a nicotine addict, I always feel the need for coffee whenever I stress myself out. So I made myself a pot of coffee, which gave me a caffeine headache. Ugh. Then I read the following verse from my journal:

"One thing I ask...that I may dwell in the house of the Lord / all the days of my life, / to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord/ and to seek him in his temple" (Psalms 27:4).

To be in God's presence 24/7/365, worshiping, singing and dancing, praising him for who he is, and gazing upon his beauty...that is a real profession. I want to quit school to become a professional worshiper.

A Letter to My Body

2010-08-19T03:20:00.011-05:00

I was inspired by Sally from Already Pretty to write a love letter to my body:

Dear Body,

I owe you several apologies. I'm sorry. Even though you were created in God's image, I have criticized you a lot. I've called you names: fat, ugly, clumsy... I've often tried to "make the best of" you, instead of loving you, instead of honoring the One who knit you together (Psalm 139:13).

Over the years I've gained and lost weight, but I must say that I'm very happy you've managed to continue losing the extra chub! Since I began to exercise and eat intentionally about eight years ago, you held your part of the bargain, and took me from a size 9 to a size 0!

I don't thank you enough. I still frown every morning as look at you in the mirror. If only that belly would suck itself in a little...if only those thighs would stop jiggling...

I'm sorry I'm so critical of you, Body.

You've grown taller too, but not tall enough. I bemoan your short legs each time I sit at the sewing machine, hemming the too-long pants I must buy for you.

Your oil-prone face has plagued me for over ten years. But slowly, very slowly, your face seems to be clearing. If I squint, I can almost imagine how you will look with flawless, dewy, 50-year-old skin, like my mother. Someday.

You really don't look so bad, Body, come to think of it. You have attracted a good deal of handsome young men over the years. Without you, they might have never said "hello."

Even your hair, which is unfortunately thin and breakable, is soft and curved and adaptable. After years of crazy dyes and styles, your hair still looks beautiful.

You have unusually lovely collarbones, Body, which make you look great in a nice scoop neck. And your fingernails are literally tough-as-nails.

It's also magical how the blue in your eyes changes tone to match your outfits. You really are beautiful, Body.

Anyway, Body, I just want to say "thanks" for dealing with all my insecurities and for still looking great! Thanks for reminding me that I don't need to wear makeup. Thanks for having a beautiful, sparkling smile. Thanks for being flexible and strong. Thanks for looking great in bike shorts. You are gorgeous!

Love,
Christa

Sally's post: Already Pretty: Repost: A Letter to My Body: "I reference this post constantly as one that changed my life forever, so I feel like it's worth re-posting..."

Suzanne at Blogher wrote the original letter: A Letter to My Body.

Let's see if caffeine will fix my problems

2010-08-08T22:42:00.005-05:00

It's raining and I'm indoors. I feel lost and stupid, like I've been playing the fool. I've been tricked into thinking I've got this, and instead of confessing my sins or laying down my burdens I make myself another pot of coffee.

Teachers = charismatic + crazy

2010-08-08T22:11:00.006-05:00

How the heck can it take me two days to plan a lesson? I've written lesson plans before, and they are pretty easy. But, writing a good lesson that will give me an 'A' in my freaking British Literature class is turning out to be extremely difficult.

I feel sick, discouraged, like there's a knot forming in my chest and it's slowly, very slowly rising into my throat to choke the breath from my lungs. I feel like giving up. I feel like I do not want to be an English teacher anymore.

Early childhood education or the publishing industry sound like optimal alternatives. I am serious. I do not want to teach English at any high school and probably not any middle school. Idk if I'm crazy, but this assignment is is driving me to madness. I should have been a hatter or a march hare. Also, I'm not particularly charismatic, unfortunately.

I belong to You

2010-07-10T11:55:00.001-05:00

Every morning when I wake I must remind myself that I am forgiven. That I am loved. That I am not my own anymore. That every worry, every piece of future and past are in the hands of Jesus.

What to do with your lips

2010-07-09T10:26:00.002-05:00

I've been reading Joshua Harris' book Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship and something in chapter six stuck with me:

"Ask God to reveal the places where your communication with others can improve. And if you start to see some areas of weakness, don't try to explain them away, just ask God to give you the grace to change it. God opposes the proud but promises to give 'grace to the humble' (James 4:6). As you humble yourself, God's mighty grace will begin to transform you" (p. 90, emphasis added).

Untitled

2010-06-01T11:02:00.002-05:00

Jesus,
when I'm immobilized
by fear of failure or rejection,
You are with me.
Stamp out my fears!
You do not need me to be perfect,
a plus; you only need me to be
trusting.

Get back, Satan! Your fear-inducing legion of demons will not conquer me, for Christ is my refuge and my strength. He leads me by still waters and fortifies my soul with good things. My person will not be moved, for his love endures forever.

Phillippians 4:13

2010-05-18T22:44:00.003-05:00

I've changed my college major about five times over the last four years. I realize now, every time, it was because I felt I wasn't good enough, creative enough, smart enough to pursue a career in my chosen field. But, I didn't realize this at the time. I told myself and others that I was changing majors because I didn't like my classes or my professors or that I wasn't learning much or that I just wasn't interested in that field anymore. In truth, I believed I was truly not good enough to succeed. I believed this lie. The worst part is that I still believe this lie; I'm terrified of failure. Satan has successfully reduced my ability to serve others.

Even as I am typing this, I don't know what to do about my current situation: The more I learn in my literature classes, the less I want to teach it in the schools. I could probably go into the publishing industry, since I'll graduate with an English minor. However, I'd probably try it out and then decide that I don't have what it takes. I cannot be successful if I do not feel capable of success, and as long as I'm stuck in school, uncertain of my future, I feel that I cannot be of use to God. (And even this is not true!) Ugh...I need some serious prayers.

Psalm 130

2010-05-17T01:08:00.003-05:00

Vs. 5-6:
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning."

These words are so simple, beautiful; the repeated words particularly struck me. I need to put these to music.

131:2-3:
"I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore."

Summer Frustrations

2010-05-08T21:22:00.001-05:00

So I'm taking summer classes because I want to graduate in Fall 2011. But since I've been so busy with school, until now, I haven't had time to apply for any of the summer jobs I want...& now they're all full. Only the part-time night jobs are open. But I'm taking mostly night classes; I had hoped to get a day camp job of some sort. UGH. However, I trust that God has a reason for keeping in Omaha with seemingly no means of support. It all kind of makes me wish I had just applied to work at Timberlake after all.

Texas says gays cannot get divorced?

2010-04-21T21:55:00.003-05:00

The Associated Press recently published an article about a gay couple living in Texas who want a divorce. Now Texas, being opposed to gay marriage, ought to be trilled: Why not rid America of one more gay couple? However, divorcing the couple means that the state must recognize the marriage as legal, meaning that the state would have to deny its own laws. This is quite a predicament for Texas politicians. Frankly, they are screwed. I am just giggling at the irony of it all.

Thanks to Billy for initially posting about this on his blog.

Spiritual Quandries

2010-04-20T23:49:00.002-05:00

I think I have senoritis. It's been almost four years, but I still have another year (and a half?) or so...ugh! There is definitely a reason people are "supposed" to graduate within four years: any more than that and school becomes unbearable.

Seriously though, I have felt spirit-lead toward leaving the things, places, and people I know. [Realistically, college has not challenged me very much, especially not in the spiritual sense. This semester, I started going to Campus Crusade again, but I pretty much only go for the sake of Christian fellowship. (I can't think of a time I have felt very spiritually challenged there, except through direct contact with other Christians.) Even my physically living space--at home--while not altogether negative, has not challenged me a great deal. (Btw, there are many positives I could list about living at home during college, such as the improvement in the relationship I have with my parents.)

[Working at camp last summer, made me realize that. in general, my life lacks consistent, encouraging Christian peers. I also found that physically stepping away from familiar people and places really can create a new perspective and be spiritually beneficial. I crave these experiences now, especially the part about Christian peers, specifically Christian co-workers. It makes me want to drop out of school and go into full-time ministry.] All semester, I've actually considered the possibility of temporarily breaking from school to work full-time in some branch of Christian ministry. I recently felt particularly spirit-lead toward this. The problem is, I do not feel called to any specific place or people...

(Please note, I do not want to drop out because I'm sick of school; those topics are unrelated.)

Is Christianity Linear?

2010-04-15T22:12:00.007-05:00

I just finished reading the novel Jasmine (1989), by Bharati Mukherjee, for my Critical Approaches to Literature class. In class, we talked about how the main character, Jasmine, moves from India to New York, then to Iowa and eventually California. Now, compare this character's life to perhaps the average American. Most people I know only move a few times in their lives (though, technically the average is about 7 moves per person throughout a lifetime--of course, this is only an average, not a median). In the story, Jasmine lives a very non-linear life. She never stays in one place for very long, whether by choice or fate. Most Americans pretty much have their lives planned out: go to school for ever--including college--graduate, get a job and an apartment, get married, get a house, have a couple kids, retire from said job, move to Florida, play golf, and die. Of course, one may argue that a person can hugely influence the lives of others even when life is predictable. But, as Christians, are we truly trusting and obeying God when we decide to "settle down" and stay that way? Is it Christian to live a linear life?

Fruitbearer

2010-04-06T19:00:00.009-05:00

"He cuts off every branch that does not bear fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:2)

I like to illustrate this verse with memories of my father pruning our backyard fruit trees. He cared for his trees by cutting off their diseased and dying branches. While the trees experienced loss for a season, the wounds healed, and the following year the trees often produced more fruit than any season prior.

God wounds us in same way. Any area of our lives that does not bear fruit is severed. We are broken, bleeding and bruised. But we heal. If we allow God, our planter and gardener, to heal us, we produce so much more than we can ever imagine hobbling through life with dead or dying branches. This passage makes me wonder, "What fruit am I bearing?"

(Diagram found here.)

Extravagant Love

2010-04-06T00:58:00.006-05:00

Your love is extravagant / Your friendship so intimate / I find I'm moving to the rhythms of your grace / Your fragrance is intoxicating / in our secret place / Your love is extravagant.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ / is a love that covers sin. / No great love have I ever known / You considered me a friend / You've captured my heart again.

[Lyrics of my new favorite song, "Your Love is Extravagant," covered by The Almost found here. I heard this song on Pandora and recognized it as an uncommon, or former, church camp song. I always loved this song, but never even thought to look it up until today. Btw, Casting Crowns has also covered this song; I think their version is a bit more well-known.]

Think about it, though: what does extravagant love look like? How does it feel? What is its scent, taste? When you touch it, or are touched by it, what occurs? How do you know when a love is extravagant?

[Dictionary.com, defines extravagant as "exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions."]

God's love exceeds the bounds of our reason! I am convinced that God is the only being in this wide universe capable of such passion, such love, such care. Truly, God, your love is so extravagant, lavish, so unrestrained.

A Woman's Heart

2010-03-27T20:27:00.014-05:00

is something many men avoid.

[The following is best read aloud.]
I am lovely,
thin```Enough? am I
Loving, kind, gracious?
am I PASSIONate...?
Courageous! worth being Pursued```?

I am Creation! talented, good
Am I```? (Am I
enough?) am I Captivating,
creative, inspiring?
Am I worth love```?

Surely "feminine" is more than just a popular chapter in Proverbs?

[Inspired by the Chicago Hubbard Street Dance workshop I attended this afternoon...and by reading the book Captivating, by John & Stasi Elredge. It's about womanhood and the church, how the church has perhaps put women in a box that God never intended. So far I'm impressed.]

Coffeeshop Musings

2010-03-07T15:01:00.005-06:00

I worry sometimes.]
I know I shouldn't
but...hey sometimes
I can't help my shouldn't
couldn't, when I
lift my eyes two faces
to you [

...

I wonder
why...I like to
compose, listening
to lyrics not yet
my own--

...

Today's [to weeks] ago,
I turned down
the only Christman
whose ever asked to pass [to
me] the time.
O/ops?

...

This naked Madonna, this child--
jeweled and marked with
Byzantine dreams--
was ravaged and purged for
her innocent babe.
Doubtfully sure of harlotry's plight,
Innocence, certain, died with the light.

2 Due

2010-01-25T22:40:00.006-06:00

My current "To Do" list:

1. Write Omaha.net story...ugh. My interview went horribly...the lady had her assistant call me, who was not so great with interviews--in fact, she spent a majority of the interview telling me just that, so I have practically nothing to go on & little inspiration. What to do??

2. Create about 5 lesson plans for my Instructional Systems class. I don't even know where to begin...I've got to figure out what stories to include...& Idk what's really age appropriate to be honest...What did I know in the eighth grade?

3. Decide whether I can afford to go to London in March, as planned.

4. Fix and find costumes/props for The Moving Company's upcoming performances.

5. Take a serious nap.

6. Make another pot of coffee.

I just know there's something else that I've forgotten...How about: de-stress? ;-)

(Photo found here.)

I need a Kindle for all these textbooks

2010-01-15T00:17:00.011-06:00

My dog Eli over Christmas. He loves winter, especially the snow. He would frolick in it for hours if we let him.

A few thoughts on the first week back at school:

First, I am amazed by how quickly the school routine becomes all-consuming and stressful. It's truly mind-blowing. (Thank goodness for MLK Day!)

Another problem is that I am broke--because, well for one, I bought a new car back in November, which pretty well wiped out my savings. Oh and I don't have a job anymore. Plus, as with any new car, my insurance has more than doubled...I said, "no thank you!" but the insurance agent chuckled and raised it anyway. So.

I have to buy about 12 textbooks this semester, and no, I'm not taking that many classes; I am not that crazy or smart. Ironically (or not), most of my professors do seem to be that crazy. Do these circumstances correlate somehow?

I continue to find myself considering a change of majors...but I'm sure that God wants me where I am, so ain't gonna change nothin! (And I don't know why I all of sudden started typing the way I almost never speak. Hmmm.)

Two things God's teaching me: that I need to intentionally reach out to those people whom I find unlovable--because he loves them and created them in his image! Also, I continue to be amazed at God's provision and faithfulness to me--financially and otherwise--even though I'm a terrible, impulsive steward of his money and other resources. My goodness, that guy is so great! :)

Consequently,
Christa

P.S. Clever sign-off, no? ;)

Current Style

2010-01-12T19:58:00.011-06:00

The ladies and gents at Fashion Week Daily are super fashion savvy. While browsing their Obsessions, I found two gorgeous pieces. I mean, gorgeous. Well...the first is gorgeous; the other is more like flippin' sweet. Ha.

Dress LOVE: Watercolor tie waist dress, by Thakoon, found at Kirnazabete.com.

Is this not the most lovely print you have ever seen? I mean, I want to buy like five of these dresses--one to wear and four to cut up and make into new designs! This little lovely clocks in at just under $2,000...ouch.
Accessory LOVE: Spitfire black clip-on sunglasses from Oaknyc.com.

Soooo cute! And unisex. This old-man look is coming back, and at just $46, they may be worth the cost if it's possible to get prescription lenses put in them. When I go shopping for new glasses I will definitely look for a pair like this! If clip-ons are included, BONUS! ;)

H&M destroys, trashes unsold clothing

2010-01-11T20:48:00.003-06:00

"'It was a very frigid night, and there were bags upon bags of warm winter clothing not 50 feet away from where a homeless man slept on cardboard boxes,'" said Cynthia Magnus, a New York grad student who discovered bags of destroyed H&M winter clothing, shoes, and accessories, according to an article published by Guardian.co.uk.

Apparently, H&M New York forgot that this winter is on of the coldest in years, that the U.S. is still in a recession and the number of homeless are growing daily. Surely the employees who participated in cutting up all this unsold merchandise understood the moral strife of such an act. Surely?

The New York Times was the first major news service to report on this. The article comments that Magnus volunteered to connect H&M, based in Sweden, with New York charities, but she has not received a reply from the executive.

For more information about this atrocity,check out a short article at Chicago Now.

In the NY Times and Chicago Now articles, the writers mention that Walmart also was found guilty of cutting up their unsold merchandise. (I never shop at Walmart, anyway--I loathe big corporations--so this wasn't as big a shock to me.)

Job market

2010-01-06T16:34:00.006-06:00

I am in need of some fast cash
You know? Cold, hard
Coins and fibrous bills of green
And maybe gold...
No.
I need a fairy grandmother
The kind that forgets poor
Cindy's worries
And sends her off to party!
Or...
Maybe, just maybe I need a job.

Churchy Art is Blah

2010-01-03T19:52:00.009-06:00

If God was the original artist, and we were created in his image, so why shouldn't we use our God-given talents to create drama, dance, music, literature, visual art, and any other thing that glorifies him?

In my previous post, I talked about my experience at Urbana. During that week I was inspired to try to promote changes in the disconnect between my church and the arts community.

First, the church ought to embrace art. It's what drives our culture. Art has the ability to bring the Gospel to countries otherwise closed to Christianity.

This is my (potential) plan, in chronological order:

Start a weekly Bible study at my church for artists and non-artists to learn about how the arts fits into the scheme of the post Post-modern era. The Bible study I hope to use is a DVD-workbook combination called "Stone by Stone," by Colin Harbinson, an arts seminar speaker at Urbana. (I plan to speak with my pastor and the worship leader at church about funds for purchasing the study kit, as it is slightly expensive...or perhaps everyone who attends can just pitch in a little money!)
After the Bible study is complete, I plan to begin a weekly arts workshop to help artists develop their talents and learn new ones. Weekly topics will depend entirely on the people who are involved, as this will be a very collaborative community of artists. Topics will hopefully include drama, dance, music, visual art, spoken word, and creative writing.
After at least two or three months of weekly workshops, I would like to hold an Arts Slam, if you will. This will be an opportunity for artists to display and/or perform their work for the glorification of God and to the benefit of observers.
Eventually, I believe it will be appropriate to have our art displayed/performed on Sunday mornings. However, my focus is on discipleship over performance, so I want to take plenty of time with this process.

The goal of this plan is:

To encourage and instruct Christian artists and non-artists about the unique position of arts in the church
To develop the creative skills of artists in a workshop-style setting
To glorify God and to challenge the church in ways that only the arts can--through our God-given creativity and emotions

Mission: Urbana

2010-01-02T21:21:00.030-06:00

Me and God kicked it in St. Louis this week!

We kicked it in the snow. It actually snowed like 10 inches a couple of days before we (me, my brother, and four others) had to drive down, so that was interesting...

We went to the City Museum, which is basically a huge, three-floor, artsy jungle gym, plus art and science displays, a supa cheap vintage clothing store, and restaurant. It was awesome.

Giant pencil!

City Museum is filled with all kinds of tunnels to climb in...

I took some video at City Museum...more than I meant to...haha.

Now, about Urban a. I've never felt particularly called to missions--quite the contrary! But God met me nonetheless.

I could talk about how informative and insightful the speakers were. Or how awesome it was to sing and dance before God with 17,000 people--probably the largest gathering I will be part of worship until Jesus returns! But the greatest thing about the conference was how God challenged me.

The America's Center, where we had most of our conference meetings.

Our schedules were jam-packed daily. Wake up, breakfast at the hotel, walk to a nearby hotel for the morning "small" group Bible study (about 600 people), take the Metro to the convention center for our morning Session (about 17,000 people), find lunch somewhere in downtown St. Louis, go one or two afternoon seminars (I went to seminars about education and the arts) or go to the InterVarsity bookstore or talk to the hundreds of missions organizations, eat supper at the convention center, go to the evening Session (worship, music/drama/dance performances, and amazing speakers), take the Metro back to the hotel and go to bed.

The Metro was always jam-packed, as you can see below. Sometimes we were practically hanging out the windows!

During the afternoons, I checked out many of the missions organizations present at the conference. I talked to almost all of the representatives for the international schools and English education programs--I'm in majoring in Language Arts education, after all.

I got information about quite a few organizations that deal with children's and women's rights--like human trafficking and the sex industry. (I have always had a heart for hurting, disenfranchised women and children. And for the inner-city...But I'm not really sure that God is necessarily calling me to serve in any such long-term capacity.)

The biggest thing I took away from this conference was the idea of "worship." I know, it's not a new concept...but God reiterated the ways I can glorify him:

Through worship, including but not limited to: song, dance and bodily movement, prayer, and scripture reading
Through my God-given emotions, which are sometimes overlooked in my normal places of worship

The Sessions featured songs from all kinds of cultures, including Latin, African, Middle-Eastern, Indian, Asian-American, African-American, and North American. It was amazing being able to worship God through dance and song, knowing that in some countries, this is their chief style of giving glory to God! I felt really drawn to the Latin, African, and African-American cultures, probably because of my prior (African, etc.) dance experience.

I attended afternoon seminars about education and the arts. The speakers talked about how artists are often marginalized by the church for their artistic craft and marginalized by artists for their religious beliefs. (Church history is mostly to blame for this because after the Reformation, the arts were all but eliminated from religious practice by the Protestant church.)

That's all I'll write on this subject for now. ;-)

In summary, Urbana was awesome, spiritually and physically challenging, and I can't wait to go back. I've also made a short-term commitment to work missions--either abroad or in a cross-cultural setting. I'm not sure what exactly yet...but I've got a few ideas. :-)

Winter Wedding

2009-12-16T22:55:00.011-06:00

It may not be wedding season, but on January 1st, 2010, my friend Melani and her beau Ben will be tying the knot. My dilemma is that I don't know what to get them! Of course I could just buy a gift--the easy way out--but I'd love to create something.

So far, it seems like I'm subconsciously leaning toward pillows and felt. I found these at Idotakeyou's shop on Esty.
Isn't this cute? And classy. I could even substitute an "M" and a "B" for the "Mr" and "Mrs."

On the other hand, silhouettes are in style right now...this could be made into a pillow or wall hanging or a dozen other things!More pillows! I wonder whether it would be weird for me to give them a ring bearer pillow? Probably...

Let me know what you think. I feel in grave need of some authoritarian advice. Ha.

All I Want for Christmas is Neckwear

2009-12-15T19:03:00.011-06:00

My mother keeps pestering me about Christmas gift ideas. My tastes are broad and not easily defined, but I finally have a list:

All I want for Christmas are bibs. And collars and neckties!

Neckpieces are basically the perfect accessory for every lady's wardrobe. They can dress-up a T-shirt or accent a gown. They come in all kinds of fabrics and designs and range in price from a little to a lot, depending on what a girl is willing to spend. Designers are really loving these things right now. On a recent visit to Etsy, one of my very favorite handmade sites, I couldn't believe how many incredibly stylish bibs I found!

A creative spin on the traditional necktie, this funky neckpiece will definitely be an attention grabber on the daily commute. This lovely was created by lilianasterfield. I want one...maybe I will make one myself. ;-) Get thee to a Goodwill, where neckties are priced at only $1.00!

Check out this light gray hexagonal bib! Layers of felt paired with grommets and tied in the back. So much detail and not over-the-top. Endless styling options! I would wear this with a with a sheer, close neck, A-line dress. Kind of like the little black dress used by The Uniform Project. This bib is by designer Giia.

Wow-oh-wow! Swarovski beads and ribbon flowers? Oh, how I want this! Girly and fun. Perfect for an afternoon on the town or a day at the beach. Would be lovely with a white strapless dress and full skirt. By designer Calexandra.

Black feathers? Yes, please! This little bit of elegance just screams money. Or costume party. Either way, love it! I can totally picture this with a vintage pillbox hat with netting and pearls. Yummy! By seller Chezkevito.

This lovely white lace is very simple chic. I love the exaggerated V shape. I see this being worn with that modern, supa low neck, boobies popping out dress. That way, when you visit Grandma for an afternoon, you won't give her a heart attack. Then if you're feeling daring, you can whip it off when it's time to party! Perrrfect for a modern lady with a bit of class. By designer Violetrosedesigns.

I love felt. There are so many options! Felt is especially great for winter...wear this blue-gray Art Nouveau neckpeice with any color turtleneck for a look that's cozy but cute! By designer Ohmplayground.

Now all I have to do is send this post to my mother...err Santa? I love Christmas!

All designers featured today can be found on Esty.com.

Binge blogger, in bondage no more

2009-12-10T16:04:00.004-06:00

Bondage is something I do not want to be involved in. Except to Christ, of course.

The idea of bondage has been coming up in my mind all day and lately. Am I held bondage by anything in my life?

The answer is "yes."

For one, coffee. I started drinking it in high school for the caffeine. Now I still drink it for the caffeine (though the effect is more negative--crash!--than positive) and because I've decided I like it. I almost always drink coffee before an exam, as if I won't make it through the test without the caffeine! I depend on it, maybe more than God. I'm in bondage to a drink! I also waste a lot of money (given by God) on it.

So, I'm going to cut coffee from my diet, starting with the decision that whenever I spend money on coffee I must give an equal amount to the benevolence offering at church (or another charity, if I feel Spirit-led). If I have enough money to waste $4 on a latte, then I have enough money to give to people who actually need it.

Isn't it funny how this is my third post in the last 24 hours, after not posting for about four months? I'm a binge-blogger.

Freedom in Christ

2009-12-10T10:01:00.003-06:00

A friend of mine asked me recently what I thought of freedom in Christ. I found myself needing to rethink what freedom in Christ is exactly. Maybe I don't fully understand it...these verses seem better than anything I can come up with:

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." (Colossians 2:6-7)

This is how I've always envisioned it: during that period, slavery was very common. However, like indentured servants, slaves often could earn their freedom or their master would choose to free them after a certain number of years. This was the common practice.

If a slave loved his/her master--the master being fair or caring--a slave could choose to continue to be enslaved, continuing to work for the master without pay--a bond servant.

The master pierced the ear of his new bond servant, signifying that this person was a slave by choice. This was a way for workers to honor their master. (A master with many bond servants was often more prosperous and would be recognized as a good master by the people.) The master would also bless his bond servants by continuing to house & feed them.

Freedom in Christ = bond servant of Christ.

Another example, more recently: freedom in Christ means literally freedom from anything. I have a friend, Hilda, who recently started praying for perfect eyesight. Her eyes are not that bad, nowhere near as bad mine. I asked her "why?" This is what she said: "I'm just tired of having to wear contacts all the time."

This girl is solid in her faith. Typical me, I was skeptical. Fast forward a couple of months, and she tells me that her eyes have improved. She has to buy new contacts at a lower prescription!

Freedom in Christ has crazy potential.

Clogged Arteries

2009-12-09T22:24:00.004-06:00

Perhaps the reason I often don't feel God using me is because there is something clogging my heart, holding me back from being in one accord with Him.

(I paraphrased this from another blog, which I would cite, but that might seem creepy. So no.) This whole thought process is intense. And honestly, I am such an Israelite when it comes to my faith. I fall. And fall.

God raises me . Every time I screw up--and believe me, it's not uncommon.

I mean, I've been off school because of snow for two days, now! Two whole days--yet, I haven't once picked up my Bible to read it. I haven't talked to God all day . Sad. (And after so many life-changing events last summer! Read more about that in my "testimony" post. Oh God, how do we fall so easily?)

In fact, I'm only typing this because I'm taking a break from the homework. So I'm going to pray right now on this blog, and if you're not okay with that, well, you probably shouldn't be reading this.

God, Idk where to begin. I'll be honest: I've messed up. I know because I constantly feel attacked by the Devil as he tries to change my mind on decisions I know were inspired by you. But now I'm not so sure. God, I seriously know how those Israelites felt: dumb. I'm so dumb, sometimes.

You have led me through storms. You have healed me. You answer my prayers and always give me exactly what I need. Often, you give me what I want, too. You are healing my relationships. You are teaching me about who I am. More importantly, who I am in Christ. You banish evil thoughts from my mind. Your Holy Spirit is my constant.

You are so good to me. But I have not been good. I'm forgetful. I'm lazy. I'm tired. I have homework. I have "other plans." God, I'm sorry I've screwed up.

Tomorrow I'm going to try an experiment. I'm not going to eat anything before I have read my Bible, which should be interesting because I have an 8 a.m. class! Better finish my homework soon! I'll report back about how this experiment goes...

What is Proverbs 31?

2009-09-14T20:44:00.006-05:00

Having recently decided that I am, by nature or nurture, a quite vain person, I have one question for me: how can I use my genuine love for fashion and shopping to glorify God? He gave me this passion.

By definition, I suppose "beauty" is anything a person might deem lovely or visually satisfying.

Trillions of dollars are spent on items advertised to make women beautiful. Everyday women and girls are attacked with images--on television, in film, online--that exemplify our absolute baseness. These kind experts inform us of our ugliness, and we listen politely and buy their products. Finally, fixed!

Why do we whore ourselves to this false image? Ask any woman over 40 and I'm sure she will tell you that beauty isn't lasting. Yet, we sell ourselves to it over and over, spending our unequal wages on garments that go out of style in six months and products that wash off in the shower!

Ladies, I feel an uprising coming.

While Sitting Outside, Eating a Bagel

2009-08-18T23:10:00.009-05:00

I find that when I pause my mind moves.

It is not a distracted, nervous or fidgety movement, which might possess my limbs, but more a gut feeling, of knowing something more.

I am at peace. In this caffeine-induced buzz, my mind races on. Toward it. My body can only hope to come.

(Picture, by Racheal Anilyse, found at Smashingmagazine.com)

Testimony, given

2009-08-06T20:16:00.008-05:00

Because of some crazy, life changing events while I was working at this children's camp over the summer, I am getting baptized in a couple of days! I will be giving my testimony, which I wrote out (just in case) and which I am posting here. See below.

Until this summer, I have lived the life of a very selfish Christian. I guess God really used my time Timberlake to teach me his will and to challenge me. A few weeks ago, he instructed me to share my testimony with as many people as I can. I’ve never been baptized, so that’s why I’m here!

I first believed in Jesus’ sacrifice and love for me when I was about four. Nothing else really significant happened in my childhood that I’m going to mention, but I will just say that there are two major sins that God has recently convicted me of: 1) my tendency to judge others and therefore disrespect authority, especially my parents and teachers, and 2) the fact that I’ve spent nearly all of my life valuing my friendships more than my relationship with God. I’m pretty sure this is why, growing up, I never had very many good friends and also why I lost so many of my friends, year after year. I placed my worth in: how popular I was, how good-looking I was, how well I did in school. Because of that, I hurt a lot of people, saying and doing all kinds of things to and with friends and boyfriends that I regret.

In particular, when I started college, I realized the brokenness of my relationship with my parents, and I began to feel abandoned, even to the point of serious depression and half-heartedly trying to take my own life.

During this time, I also realized that there were quite a few attractive young men in college, who were not Christians, but they were interested in me. So I started dating. Satan continued creeping around in my mind, and I believed his lies and broke nearly every rule I had made for myself in romantic relationships. All the while, I still attended church and read my Bible and prayed regularly.

After I was totally broken down, God healed me of my depression and of my “need” to be popular. He began teaching me to trust him with my relationships. Most recently, he challenged me to stop trying to be in control of my life, especially with my time and my money, by asking me to quit my job. Since I’ve given God total control of my life, he blessed me by affirming my decision to study education, telling me that teaching is my spiritual gift.

This photo pretty much describes me, right now (smashingmagazine.com).

Re-focus

2009-07-04T13:55:00.007-05:00

It's a bit of a shock returning home after five weeks of working in a bubble at summer camp. My parents now have a dog, for one. I'm not sure where I belong or what to do with my time.

Nevertheless, I am so thankful that I am working at the camp. God has changed my focus over these few weeks for the better. I'm a little nervous about future, but I'm trusting him to provide for me financially. I know that he will honor and bless me for acting on this thread of faith.

Photo credits here.

The Benefits of Attending an Excellent Musical

2009-05-18T00:23:00.007-05:00

I just saw the tour of Wicked, the best touring Broadway show I've ever seen, even rivaling the NYC on Broadway version of Fiddler on the Roof I saw a few years back. (Granted, that show's been around for a while...)

There is possibly no better feeling than walking out of a great play or musical. I leave feeling refreshed, enthused, enlightened, and surprisingly alert. So alert, that I am sure I could come home after a excellent show and write a ten page essay over something completely unrelated! I love being an audience member...possibly more than I love to perform.

I'm not normally a big spender, but I even bought a $40 signed-by-the-cast poster, which might have been frivolous except that all the proceeds went to Broadway Cares and other advocates for AIDS/Cancer research, like Nebraska AIDS Foundation.

I'm going to get my poster framed.

Literafure

2009-05-06T13:53:00.005-05:00

Thanks to my amazing Literature teacher, I have spent the majority of this past semester trying to decide whether I should stick with elementary education or switch to secondary English or Language Arts. And, this just occurred to me: Will working with 1st-6th grade students excite me to work harder at my job? Or, is teaching Literature and Writing something that do that?

I'm almost swayed to change majors based on this query alone, which seems rather trivial. Or not. I don't know. Gah! I hate making decisions; I always seem to change my mind later, which makes for a lot of wasted time, which I also hate. Ugh.

I'm ineed of a name indeed

2009-05-04T12:38:00.006-05:00

Have you ever read Jamaica Kincaid's short story, "Girl"? It's lovely, visual, and emotional. I want so desperately to perform it somewhere...Also isn't her name glorious? I want to say it over and over again: "Jamaica Kincaid...Jamaica Kincaid--" I wonder if it is real or penned? Perhaps I shall pen myself a name.

Limbs & Branches & Jon Foreman

2009-04-26T19:12:00.007-05:00

I have recently fallen deeply in love with Christian folk/rock artist Jon Foreman, formerly of band Switchfood. His most recent set of EPs, culminating in the album Limbs and Branches is so artfully done that even the slow songs don't bore you. Everything about it is exquisite--the melodies, rhythms, instrumentation, vocals, lyrics--all of it is so worshipful. Every time I listen to it I want to dance! Every rhythm and lyric literally moves the songs forward; even through the slow tracks, there is never a still moment.

My favorite on the album: "Your Love is Strong"

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one.

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day.

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need.

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong.

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me.

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons.

Watch a live explanation and performance of this song here.

Modelesque Hair

2009-04-19T21:51:00.016-05:00

I recently modeled in a local Peel's Hair Show, and needless to say, they gave me some crazy hair! (Forgive the photo...I took this myself.)

This style has definitely grown on me, but it's growing out and, therefore, time time for a change! Currently, I'm in love with Fo's new haircut on America's Next Top Model. It's so modern and adorable! Plus, I do believe her facial structure is not too unlike my own.

I also love London's hair. However, I'm not sure it would look quite so amazing on me.

Why do boys like milkshakes so much?

2009-04-18T17:43:00.012-05:00

I just met a man who is so committed to his faith that he talks about it everywhere he goes--without trying. I want that. I want someone like that. I hope God blesses me with a husband like that someday.

Oh, & this is hilarious:

Writer's Block

2009-03-29T18:56:00.006-05:00

There is no thing so irksome to the student of literature of as Writer's Block.

It never is difficult forming words, sentences, chatting it up on Facebook, Myspace, Hotmail. But the moment I "logout," my little brain beats itself silly, or until it resembles a mushy, orange-ish pulp. Or so I prefer to imagine it.

It's Photography Day!

2009-03-02T19:43:00.006-06:00

Spring (cleaning) comes early this year! Many of these lovely and hilarious photos have been saved on my desktop for weeks.

A backstage shot of New York Fashion Week, spring 2009. (New York Times.com)

Fun, safe, carefree...I want to go there. (SmashingMagazine.com)

This makes me think of the Red Scare...or Mister Rodgers?

With Love, in Philadelphia

2009-02-27T20:37:00.011-06:00

In honor of an upcoming poetry recitation in my Intro. to Lit. class, I present you with the artful Heather McHugh.

"Language Lesson, 1976"

When Americans say a man
takes liberties, they mean
he's gone too far. In Philadelphia today I saw
a kid on a leash look mom-ward
and announce his fondest wish: one
bicentennial burger, hold
the relish. Hold is forget,
in American.
On the courts of Philadelphia
the rich prepare
to serve, to fault. The language is a game as well,
in which love can mean nothing,
doubletalk mean lie. I'm saying
doubletalk with me. I'm saying
go so far the customs are untold.
Make nothing without words,
and let me be
the one you never hold.

Acadmey Awards

2009-02-23T20:25:00.009-06:00

Some vintage photography in honor of last night's Academy Awards:

Oh, Audrey...!

Can anyone tell me who these lovelies are?

(All photos compliments of Life magazine.)

Falling in love with closed form

2009-02-19T21:48:00.006-06:00

I think I have fallen in love with Edna St. Vincent Millay, writer of What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, 1923.

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there sits a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

Also, my new found lyrical love in the music world: Jeff Buckley. What music and what a voice...sigh. Click here for a detailed and interesting commentary on his rendition of Hallelujah.

Post-Valentine's Day Massacre

2009-02-17T02:29:00.007-06:00

It really sucks to know that your ex is with someone else. Even more, it sucks knowing that she is ten times better for him than you ever were. Plus, I have no right to be upset because I'm the one who did the breaking up; I'm the one at fault. I must be desperate because that last week I totally started crushing on this guy that I've known for about three years; I never looked at him twice before. Weird.

On a different note, don't you love this cartoon?

Reality Check

2009-01-31T16:28:00.003-06:00

Isn't it funny the ways in which we define ourselves? I think it's a shame how the people around us ultimately define who we are.

For example: Consider the notorious 2nd grade nerd. He's either developed dramatically since then & moved to a different state, or he's still a nerd. We are defined by the things which people--especially our parents and our peers--see in us.

This is why I have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate. Do I become what others want of me? What I want of me? Are these mutually exclusive? Inclusive?

This is a very large jumble of possibilities...the things I want, the things I'm good at, what I want to be good at, and those options which other people seem to think so necessary.

I'm going to have to ponder this for a while...I'll check back once someone tells me I need to.

Giant Rubber Duck

2009-01-25T23:35:00.008-06:00

During a recent googling of the phrase "Rubber Duck," I found this delightful image of a large inflatable duck created by Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman (2007). Floating in the Loire River in France, it towers over tiny French boats and brings feelings of happiness to all passers-by. Click here for more information on this work and the artist.

My literary avalanche

2009-01-10T17:50:00.007-06:00

There is nothing quite like the literary avalanche let loose in a moment of caffeine-induced fury. Hands and forearms shake slightly, and you type fast, hoping to complete one thought before another overtakes it. "Faster. Type faster." You're convinced if you don't finish this sentence or essay tonight, you'll never receive that Pulitzer Prize for excellence in the short story. However, the physical effect of caffeine and lacking in a full night's sleep catch up with your nearly nimble fingers. They slow. And slow. And slow til' eyelids threaten sight. Day threatens night. Morning breaks, and you've written fifty-two pages of the letter "M."

My newest crush

2009-01-08T18:40:00.005-06:00

Chegg.com is the best place to go for textbooks! It's economical and ecological! You can rent--instead of buy--books, and then return them after the semester. It's way cheaper and it helps us to reuse our resources!

Can success & realism co-exist?

2008-12-15T22:49:00.011-06:00

The problem with society is that everyone is realistic. So many people are unhappy--or simply content--with their lives because they feel that they have accomplished about all they are able. However, with enough self-confidence and crazy-hard work, we can accomplish absolutely anything. In fact, we are all likely to be successful only to the point that others expect of us. Whether success is deemed as being a top CEO of a major corporation or simply staying out of prison, most people will do what is expected of them because we are all creatures who crave the approval of those we look up to. For example, it is unlikely that I will ever go to prison because my parents set a very high standard of person achievement for me. However, it is also unlikely that I will ever become the CEO to major corporation because their standard, in this case, was not high enough.

Success depends on two things:
1. A person's self-confidence (which is directly related to other people's expectations of a person & his/her abilities)
2. A person's work ethic (whether he/she is extremely dedicated or somewhat lazy; laziness may also be a mask for a person's lack of self-confidence)

For example, I am a tragic product of my society because my parents taught me to be realistic (a very relative term). They should have taught me to be the absolute best in whatever I do, regardless of whether I become a Broadway star or a school janitor. Success and reality are not deemed by what the world thinks a person can accomplish; it is deemed by what one decides to accomplish. In other words, I guess my elementary school counselors were right on one point: setting goals for yourself is a good thing--but only if you actually want them and are willing to work extremely hard!

Ecologically sound?

2008-12-05T21:14:00.009-06:00

With finals around the corner, all of my Christmas presents yet to be bought, and the guilt of knowing that I live ecologically beyond my means, I feel this holiday season shall be particularly ordinary. I love Christmas, but I freaking hate the cold; I can't wait to graduate and move to the American Southwest. Or New York. (The allure of the "big city" cannot be denied.)

In other news, I recently saw Happy Go Lucky at Film Streams and was extremely disappointed. This movie was supposed to be a multiple award winning work by some amazing producer-director combination, but the film is nothing more than 2 hours of plot-less footage--literally a moment to moment documentary of a fictional character's life. Granted, the movie has some intriguing moments, but with little tying them together, it is nothing more than just amateur footage using professional quality equipment. *sigh* You never can tell with these foreign films.

Fear

2008-11-15T23:14:00.020-06:00

I recently (read: within the last 5 months) discovered my new favorite movie: The Cotton Club. It's set in the 1920s--my favorite decade--and stars Richard Gere, Diane Lane, and a host of other hugely famous 1980s actors. Lane's character, Vera Cicero, dons a gorgeous tattoo depicting the holes on a violin. A (former) violinist myself, I loved it immediately. But tattoos--and pain in general--scare me, which is why I'm going to do it. I haven't picked a date, and truthfully it may be a while until I actually go through with this, but I plan to.

Photography

2008-11-05T18:54:00.001-06:00

Today I discovered that when reading very quickly, the word "photography" tends to look like "pornography." This can be rather unsettling. Or possibly hilarious, depending on the subject.

Change, again?

2008-11-01T14:43:00.019-05:00

In the spirit of the election, I'm going to share a little secret with you: Like most 20-something, near college graduates, I kind of want to change the world.

This notion has a direct correlation to the uncertainties I hold about my future career and current college major(s), or the lack thereof. I feel that due to my up-bringing, I am psychologically limited in the careers I can, or will, pursue. Growing up, I was not encouraged to "dream" or told I could "do anything." I could only achieve the "realistic" and the finite. The freedoms given me growing up in a middle class, American, two parent family have not dismissed that fact that the ideals in our society are hurting the futures of our young people.

Consequently, I want to change the way our society thinks. The question I need to answer is: do I want to promote change from the inside-out or the outside-in? Typically, women are intrinsic thinkers, meaning they start with details and work their way out to the big picture. Men tend to be the opposite, or extrensic, first focusing on the generalities of a situation and then moving to details.

As a school teacher or counselor, my duties would most likely focus on extrinsic thinking. As an educator, my main focus would have to be education, not behavioral and psychological issues. The good about being a teacher or school counselor would be that I would always work directly with the students, teachers, and parents. On the flip side , my impact, though emotionally and psychologically huge, would be statistically small, probably focused only in one school.

I think all psychologists are intrinsic thinkers. Being such, I would work either on specific cases with patients *thumbs up* or work with testing and statistics *thumbs down*, depending on my position. One good thing about being a trained psychologist is that I would possess greater "book knowledge," which would cause me to be more respected in society and, thus, more influential, causing my impact to be much larger--national or even international.

Ode to October

2008-10-31T18:24:00.006-05:00

Eleven years ago today, my younger brother and I stood with our noses pressed against the kitchen window, breathing on the icy glass. We weren't in school because it was our fifth day without electricity, compliments of "The October Snowstorm," as we called it. It was Halloween night, and like any seven and ten-year-olds, we couldn't wait to go trick-or-treating. Visions of gummy worms and chocolate eyeballs danced in our little, fat heads, sending a whoosh of excitement right down our spines.

We pranced around our house singing made-up songs of ghosts and Halloween and candy--until our mother sent us to downstairs "to be useful," she said. We tried on our costumes, probably for the third or fourth time that day, checking to make sure they still fit properly. They did.

After dinner, we ventured out into the twilight with Dad. I remember feeling like a secret agent--except I was dressed as a pirate--because the street was so dark and empty. We passed very few other children that night, but after all, it was rather cold and many of us were still without power. One of our neighbors hadn't expected any trick-or-treaters, and since he didn't have any candy, he gave us each a dollar!

After a meager, but meaningful trek around the block, the three of us drove to a nearby mall and stood in line to get handfuls of Butterfingers and other large chocolate bars from the Omaha Public Power District--ironic?

Underwater Photography

2008-10-29T22:36:00.013-05:00

Being a former competitive swimmer with photography experience, I find these photos truly breathtaking. For more like them, check out Smashingmagazine.com.

Working with Consequence

2008-10-28T21:55:00.013-05:00

I recently discovered, after 2+ years of college & 5 different majors, that I have no goals. At the least, I'm very indecisive, and for the life of me, I cannot decide what career I want to pursue.

Here's some of my options:
* Teacher
* School counselor
* Fitness instructor
* Costume designer
* Costumer
* Psychologist
* Child psychologist
* Stripper
* Pirate

Currently, I'm considering "stripper" or "pirate". ;)

Whatever I choose, I know there will be serious consequences, and I'll probably have days when I'll wish that I'd chosen another line of work. I wonder if there's such a thing as a personal decision maker...?

CONsequences

2008-10-26T19:19:00.011-05:00

According to Dictionary.com, a "consequence" is:

1.	the effect, result, or outcome of something having previously occurred.

2.	an act or instance of following something as an effect, result, or outcome.

3.	the conclusion reached by a line of reasoning, as an inference.

Therefore, a CONsequence is not necessarily something bad, and I'm not just talking about the "cookie in the cookie jar" scenario.